I'm a Fool For You
by LadyCordeliaStuart
Summary: Harley sets out to make sure that Mister J's special day is the best special day ever.
1. Chapter 1

_Today's the day!_ _Everything has to be perfect. Nothing but the best for my Puddin'._

I peeked over to the other side of the bed. Mister J was still asleep. Perfect. He almost always gets up before I do, but not this time. I'd been tossing and turning all night, waking up every half hour until it was finally late enough for me to get started. It was 3 A.M. now and there was no way I could stay in bed a minute longer.

_He's so handsome when he's sleeping. _I thought as I lay staring at him. _And when he's awake. And the rest of the time too. STOP THAT HARLEY! You have work to do... But he IS totally dreamy._

I carefully got up and grabbed my clothes. Then I tiptoed across the room as sneaky as a fox on a hot tin roof.

I pulled on my clothes exactly according to plan. Today I'd be traveling incognito, so I had chosen my best purple pants and my finest green shirt. Now I'd blend in just like a spy.

Before I left, I went over my plan one more time.

_Step One: Make Puddin's special day the best day ever._

_ Step Two: I don't really have a step two._

_ Come to think of it, I didn't plan anything past "Make Puddin's special day the best day ever or how I'll make it the best day ever. Oh well. It'll work out._

I didn't have to worry about Mister J missing me when he got up. I'd told him earlier that since this was his special day and all, he should go out and celebrate and I'd be waiting for him at home. He doesn't suspect a thing.

_He probably has all sorts of wonderful plans, _I thought admiringly. _He's so smart. Ooh, I hope Batman doesn't bother him. Big old bully. He'd better not bother Puddin' on his special day! I'll tear him limb from limb! Poor Mister J, having to deal with nasty Batman on his one special day. Someone should do something about that menace._

That just made me more determined. This was going to be the _best day ever _and that was that. I carefully opened the door- wouldn't want to disturb Puddin'- and crept outside.

It was dark. I guess I should have expected that, since it was 3 in the morning and this is Gotham City. It seems like it's always dark out here. It was a little scary, since I usually don't go out much without Mister J to protect me. He's so strong and manly. But Ivy insisted that I need to be able to take care of myself, so she taught me a few things. She's so strong and independent. I'm glad she's my friend. She doesn't care much for Mister J, though. Come to think of it, she doesn't care much for men at all.

Puddin' and I move around a lot, but right now we live under an abandoned comedy club. If Mister J had worked there it wouldn't be abandoned. He's the funniest man in the world. There were a lot of abandoned buildings in the area, but there were still a few streetlights scattered around. That made me feel a little better. There was nobody out anyway. They must be scared of all the whackos running around Gotham. Like _Batman. _Stupid Batman who's too stupid to understand Puddin's jokes and is always hounding him. Stupid Batman.

I took a folded sheet of paper out of my pocket. I may not have planned exactly how I was going to make the best day ever, but I know what Puddin' likes and I knew exactly what to get. First on the list was _Green and purple balloons._

_ For Mister J, _I thought valiantly, and I set off.


	2. Chapter 2

_I hate balloons. Hate, hate, hate, hate. I HATE stupid balloons! Who invented these things, anyway? Someone STUPID because balloons are STUPID! _

Getting the balloons had been easy enough. I just snuck into a nearby dollar store wearing my very inconspicuous clothes and swiped all their stock. I felt a teeny bit bad about stealing, but I knew if the storekeepers knew that _these _balloons were for Mister J's special day, they'd be glad to help. Besides, it's not like I _usually _run around wreaking havoc.

I brought them all to another abandoned building in case the cops came and tried to mess everything up. That's what I love about Gotham. There are always plenty of crumbly old buildings. The round balloons were fine. They just blew right up no problem. Soon the room was full of lovely green and purple balloons bobbing around merrily. I added a few white ones for some variety too. As I was blowing up the hundredth or so balloon I realized that maybe I should have brought them home and then blown them up. Now I had a hundred balloons blowing everywhere and I wasn't sure I could carry them all home without floating away. Well, it was too late to worry about that now.

The problem was the skinny balloons. The horrible, awful, terrible, stupid, stupid skinny balloons. I blew those up myself so at least they weren't floating away, but they were _not _cooperating. I was _trying_ to twist them into doggies and hats and giraffes and stuff so I could show Mister J. I twisted and I wrestled and I pleaded and I threatened and I even executed one as an example, but I just could not get them to work. All I had was a pile of dumb old snakes. Snakes are okay, but my Puddin' deserves better.

I picked up one of the balloons and glared at it.

"Stupid balloon! Why won't you work? STUPID BALLOON!" I cried, and threw it against the wall. It gently bounced off and settled to the floor. Dumb balloon couldn't even hit the wall right. It was supposed to explode or something since that's what it deserved.

I snatched it off the ground.

"Oh, that didn't _hurt, _you say? _Eat this, balloon!"_ I ripped the balloon apart with my bare hands. It exploded with a surprisingly loud bang. One of the pieces flew up into my eye and I squawked. Guess I showed _him _who was boss.

But then I looked back at the other balloons and they were still just a pile of snakes. Suddenly it seemed like everything was going wrong and this was going to be the worst special day ever. I sat next to the pile and was just about to start crying when I had an idea. I gathered the rest of the empty balloons and headed outside.

It had taken a long time to blow up all those balloons, so it was starting to get light outside and there were a few more people. I looked them all over carefully as they passed, looking for just the right sort of guy.

It was some time before I found what I was looking for. Then a man walked by. He was a short, chubby guy with thinning hair and a droopy face. His skin looked dry and rough, and he itched his nose every now and then.

_Bingo, _I thought.

There are lots of things I don't know much about, but if there's one thing I know, it's clowns. And I knew firsthand that caking on white makeup every day leaves your skin dry as a bone and itchy as a wool pantsuit. _I, _of course, moisturize carefully so I'm always presentable for Mister J, but this guy obviously didn't know or didn't care. All the better for me.

I followed the man until he turned into an alleyway. Then I checked to make sure nobody was around, tapped him on the shoulder, and pulled an enormous revolver out of my purse. After all, a lady does have to carry a few necessities in her bag.

"_DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE BALLOON ANIMALS?!" _I snarled.

The man squeaked like a mouse. I didn't know men's voices could go that high.

"Uhh… yes?" He said.

"Good. Get to work," I said. I motioned him into the nearest store (abandoned- gotta love Gotham) and handed him the pile of balloons.

I watched sternly as the man made two lovely hats and then the cutest purple wiener dog. Then he made a giraffe. Giraffes and wiener dogs are not purple, but that just makes it funnier. He made poodles and palm trees and everything else I could think of.

With the last few balloons I had something very special in mind.

"Now make a clown," I said.

"B-but I don't know how-"

"MAKE A CLOWN!"

The man was shaking like he'd grabbed a joy buzzer, but he started fiddling with the balloons. For someone who didn't know how to make a balloon clown, he did a pretty good job. It wasn't as handsome as the _real _Mister J, but he'd like it all the same.

"Now get outta here," I said. The man looked blankly at me for an instant and then bolted.

I looked proudly at the pile of balloons. They covered the floor and lay in piles like snow dunes. Everywhere there was purple, green, and a hint of white. Puddin' was going to love them. And I was just getting started.


	3. Chapter 3

The next few items were easier. After hitting a party store, I had confetti, streamers, squirting flowers, and party poppers. A hardware store provided a net and some tape. I brought them home to drop them off with the balloons (I ended up not floating away after all, but I'm sure I was quite a sight stumbling down the street trying to hold a hundred balloons and with balloon animals stuffed into my clothes everywhere they would fit. It took me three trips, too). Mister J was out by then, no doubt pulling a genius prank of his own. I'd have to be careful to stay away from newsstands and such so he could tell me about it himself.

Then came the setting up. First I tied a balloon dog to the doorknob and attached a party popper to the other end of the string. Then I went inside and masterfully taped the net to the ceiling just in front of the door. I attached another string to the net and wound the other end around the door. That way when Puddin' opened the door the net would come down and shower him with balloons.

_Balloons… Oh._

It would probably work better if there were balloons in the net. I tugged the rope in frustration to get the net down and it fell right on top of me. Immediately I got so tangled I could only thrash around of the floor trying to get out. I tried to grab the door to haul myself up and ended up grabbing the balloon dog, which set off the party popper, which exploded right in my face. And to top it all off, the explosion popped the balloon dog.

_Perfect._

After I finally wiggled out of the net, I found another balloon dog, attached it to the door, rigged another party popper, retied the net string, and reattached the net to the ceiling, filling it with balloon animals this time. I carefully opened the door a crack to see if it would work. The string pulled taut and a corner of the net started to give away, so everything looked good.

I turned to the squirting flowers. I was quite pleased with myself for finding those, since Mister J is so fond of his squirting flower. For _these _flowers, I had something extra special in mind. With great patience and frustration, I forced each one full of confetti. Then I arranged them in vases along with some real flowers so they looked completely innocent.

As I looked at the rest of the party poppers, I noticed that they were a little lackluster. I was hoping for something more along the lines of a party cannon.

I went through my options. It was going to be pretty hard for me to get my hands on a real cannon in the time I had before Mister J got home. Ivy would probably help me out, but I didn't really have time to go find her either. I was on my own. And the only place I could think to find all the things I would need to rig up a cannon was the Gotham dump.

I strode purposefully across the room and reached for the doorknob. At the last second I jerked back with a gasp.

"Oh no, you old door. You're not fooling _me _twice!" I crowed. Then I very carefully nudged the door until the string was tight and squeezed out. It wasn't easy- I'm a rather biggirl in some areas- but I managed to squeak through. I would have gone out a window, but we live underground and all, so we don't have any windows. I checked, just to be sure.

Then it was off to the dump. My Puddin' deserves nothing less.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm not sure about the Gotham dump. It's huge, that's for sure. It's as big as a mall and piled high with everything anyone would ever want to throw away. I don't think anybody actually works here. People just sort of dump their stuff and leave. Something about it just gives me the creeps. It's so empty and quiet that I can't help but think some nasty mutants or something must live here. But it always has something useful hidden around, and Mister J and I come here every now and then for stuff for his projects.

The dump has a brick wall around it for some reason or another. It can't be to keep people out, since it's only five feet high. I grabbed a box that fell from one of the trash piles and hopped right over. As far as I could see there were mountains of garbage. I picked the nearest one and started looking.

It turns out that mountains of garbage are really gross. First of all, they're squishy, since most of the garbage is old food. Soon my pants were more black then purple and my shoes were ruined. Everything was sticky and it smelled like… garbage. I tried moving to a different pile, but it was just as nasty.

I climbed to the top to see the rest of the dump. It looked like there was some more hardware-ish stuff near the middle of the dump, so I decided to try there. On the way down I tripped on a banana peel (they really are slippery) and slid down the pile, so at least I couldn't get any more disgusting after that.

There was some pretty neat stuff in the middle piles. There were old cars, tons of gears and parts, televisions, expensive looking doohickeys that I couldn't imagine the use for, and a blow dryer that looked like it was in great shape. Pity I was on a mission, but seriously, who'd throw that away?

After a little digging I found a tub that would work fine as the barrel for my cannon. I threw it over the fence. I had rope back at home, so the only other thing I needed was a spring. There were plenty of little teeny springs, but I needed something that could launch something across a room. I tried looking under the hoods of cars, but all they had in there was engines and boring man stuff.

I saw something metal curling out of the gunk on the other side of the pile I was looking through, so I went to look. Sure enough, it was a big, beautiful spring. I pulled on it, but it was pretty stuck in the gross icky garbage stuff. I grabbed it with both hands and leaned back until it popped free with a nasty sucking noise and I splatted to the ground. Then it growled at me.

_Eek did that spring just growl at me? _I thought. _No, springs don't growl. Then what made that noise?_

I got up and looked around.

_Oh, it's just the slobbering guard dog._

"GUARD DOG?!"

"AAAAIEEE!"

I screamed incoherently as I fled the four foot tall, foaming at the mouth, mangy, mongrel demon dog that guarded the dump. Why would a dump have a guard dog anyway? Who wants all the stupid junk in here?

At first I just ran. I didn't know where I was going as long as it was anywhere the dog wasn't. It kept getting closer, though, so I darted up the nearest pile of trash because dogs can't climb trees, right?

Well, they can climb piles of trash. It followed after me, snarling and snapping. I kept scrambling up higher and higher, screaming at it the whole time. That didn't stop it. Soon I was perched on the very top, trying not to find a firm spot in all the mush. The dog was halfway up the pile. I tried to dart down the other side, but the dog lunged sideways and _snapped _at me.

There was nowhere to go and it was still coming closer. I needed a hero. If only Mister J was there. He'd save me.

I picked up the nearest piece of garbage- an old plastic doll- and threw it right at the dog. It missed entirely. I started grabbing anything I could find and chucking it at him- an orange, a cordless phone, a couch cushion, a sock, and a broken tire iron. They slowed the dog down, but after each hit it snapped at whatever I'd thrown and kept coming. The next thing I found was a baby's rattle. The rattle sailed over the dog's head and flew into the side of a car with a huge crash. The dog growled and whipped its head back at the noise. Then it ran down the garbage hill and charged the car, barking wildly.

I tore down the other side of the hill, half running and half falling. I was still screaming like a maniac, but the dog didn't notice until I was already halfway to the wall. Then it tore after me again, barking almost as loudly as I was screaming. I was entirely focused on how scary dogs were and how much I did not want to get torn apart by the dog monster, so I didn't have another plan. I just ran for the wall. The dog was gaining on me scarily fast, or at least it sounded like it. I was too scared to look.

When I felt its breath on my rump, I leaped at the wall. It may have been five feet tall, but I had a dog monster behind me. I slammed into it belly first and my momentum folded me over the top of the wall like a clothespin. I folded my legs and pitched myself forward to flip over the wall and splatted on the ground.

I stood up carefully and noticed I still had the spring in my hand. I'd completely forgotten about it. Lucky I hadn't landed on it. I stood on my toes and looked over the fence. The dog was leaned against the fence on its hind legs, still barking at me. I waved the spring at him and stuck my tongue out.

"Ha ha, stupid dog! You couldn't even defend a pile of garbage! I wasn't scared of you anyway," I said, and I blew a raspberry at him.

I smelled like a stink bomb, my clothes were in shreds, I could hardly catch my breath, and I felt like one big bruise. But I had my barrel and I had my spring. Everything was going great.


	5. Chapter 5

The confetti and streamer cannon was set up, I'd managed to get inside without tripping the balloon net, the flowers were in place, I'd showered and no longer smelled and looked like death, and the pudding was in the refrigerator (that really is Mister J's favorite- pistachio, of course. I don't call him that for nothing). But something was still missing. It all needed one more thing to take it over the top.

_A-HA!_

What I needed was firecrackers. Maybe not big ones- that would probably set the house on fire or something- but those little fireworks you throw at the ground and they snap. I checked the clock. I had just enough time to get there and back before Mister J got home.

By now it was after noon, so it was lighter outside and it wasn't as scary, but of course it was so gross and smoggy it might as well have been night. There were more people around, but I just acted normal and nobody even noticed me.

I had a little trouble finding a fireworks store, since not many people set off fireworks in the middle of the city, I guess. I finally found one hidden in a dusty old alleyway. At least it looked like a firework store. The writing was in some foreign language, but it had a picture of a sparkler on it.

"Harley," A voice came out of nowhere behind me. I squawked and jumped straight up, twisting around at the same time.

A shape started forming out of the shadow behind some garbage cans.

_Oh, plotz, _I thought. It was Batman.

He went on mysteriously sweeping from the shadows as if I didn't already know he was there. I wasn't thinking about how cool and mysterious he looked, though.

_How does he even hide in the shadows in broad daylight? There's only one shadow in this whole alley. How long has he been hiding behind those stinky garbage cans just so he could pop out? How did he even know I'd be here? Did he just pick a random fireworks store and stake it out?_

By that time Batman was out of the shadows and just standing there looking at me disapprovingly. He looked pretty mad and I didn't want to make things worse, so I kept quiet.

"You've been all around Gotham today," He said.

"You've been spying on me?" I said. _But I was so sneaky and disguised! _I thought. "Don't you have bigger problems to worry about?"

"I've been monitoring that situation as well," He said curtly. Trust Batman to call something like Mister J running wild on his favorite day a "situation".

"You'd better watch out. It's Puddin's special day and he has something planned that will knock you dead!" I said.

"I've had enough trouble with that already," Batman sighed. "You wouldn't happen to know what else he's planning?"

I folded my arms and looked at him sulkily. "He wouldn't tell me," I said. "He said I can't keep a secret." Which is true, but I wouldn't tell stupid Batman. He doesn't scare me.

"Why don't you go bother someone else?" I said. "I have shopping to do."

"You've already told me the Joker has something planned and you're about to obtain explosives. And also you have 14 warrants for your arrest. You're not going anywhere."

_That _was unexpected, but I really should have seen it coming. When I thought about it, I _was _pretty notorious. But if I got arrested the party would be ruined!

"Can't you just pretend you didn't see me just this once?" I asked. "I didn't commit any crimes _today," _I said with my fingers crossed behind my back.

"Justice is justice," Batman said. And that's when I started to cry.

"BUT IT'S PUDDIN'S SPECIAL DAY!" I wailed. "I can't go to jail! I had everything planned and it was all perfect and YOU RUINED IT!" I sobbed brokenheartedly.

Batman didn't say anything for a minute. He looked at me like he'd broken me and he actually looked uncertain, which was something I'd never seen in him before. I, of course, was completely desolate and kept crying.

Batman rested his face in his hand and sighed. "Just get of here, Harley," He said tiredly. "Stay out of trouble, okay?" Then he swept up around the store corner and vanished.

I guess even Batman has a heart. After all, Mister J's special day only comes once a year. After he was gone, things didn't seem nearly so terrible and I was my perky self within minutes. I was nervous about buying the snappers since he did say to stay out of trouble, but I didn't want to make any trouble with them so I figured it was okay. I made sure to be very polite to the storekeeper and was a model citizen, though. Then I went home to make sure everything was ready and perfect for my Puddin'.


	6. Chapter 6

After every detail was in place and everything was arranged, there was only one last thing to prepare: me. Wouldn't want Mister J to come back after a hard day of work to find me looking like a mess. I finally took off my boring old clothes and took a bath, since I totally forgot to beautify myself in the shower while I cleaned off all the gross dump juice. I got all shaved and scrubbed and put on my daisy body lotion since that's Puddin's favorite (On me, of course. He doesn't wear perfume- but he smells nice anyway).

I decided to wear my harlequin costume, since that's what I always wear when Puddin's around, except on special occasions. It wasn't easy to get into since I was still a little wet- that thing is as tight as it looks. I brushed my hair super carefully before I realized that it would all be hidden under my hat anyway. Then it was time to put on my face.

I don't think any woman has ever put on makeup more carefully. It felt like all the world rested on it. I had to smooth the white foundation so it wasn't sticky and pick all the little smears out of my hair. I traced the black circles around my eyes and looked over every inch for more smears. That gave me a headache, since looking at your own eyes is really hard. They kept crossing. I added dark red lipstick with extreme caution, since if it touches the foundation even a teeny bit it bleeds together all pink and just looks silly. I checked to make sure everything was perfect. I ended up squinting and leaning so close to the mirror that I smudged my nose and had to do it all over. But then there was no denying it. It was absolutely perfect.

I put on my hat and waited behind the cannon for Mister J to come home. That way I'd see him the moment he came in and saw everything. I thought that since it was his day and all he might be a little late, but it had taken a long time for me to get myself ready, so hopefully it wouldn't be too long. I waited for at least two hours and then checked the clock. It had been three minutes. Stupid clock must be slow. I was too impatient to move around or do something while I waited, so I kept waiting restlessly. Another five minutes went by and I almost died.

I started to get a little worried. _What if something happened to him? _I thought. _What if he's planning something so big it'll take him all night and it won't be his special day anymore when he gets back? What if _Batman _is bothering him? What if he just decided never to come home because he doesn't love me anymore and-_

I heard footsteps approaching the door. I squealed and threw up my hands to cover my mouth.

"Har—hmm?" I heard, and then a pop and a yelp. I giggled behind my hand and crouched behind the cannon.

"Good one, Harley! I knew you wouldn't forget!" Mister J said. He threw open the door.

Balloons showered down on him.

Confetti and streamers blasted into him from the cannon.

SNAPSNAPSNAPSNAP went the poppers.

And I jumped up and cried "APRIL FOOLS, PUDDIN'!"

Puddin' looked astonished. Some of the streamers were hanging off his coat and the balloon dog was still lying on the floor behind him. I tried to smile as big as he does while I waited for him to say something.

Then he smiled, and it was still twice as big as mine. "Harley," he said, "This is _fantastic! _You're the best, sugar." He started laughing his handsome laugh and swooped me up in his arms. I wrapped my arms around his manly broad shoulders and snuggled into him.

"Not as good as what _you _did all day, Mister J," I said. "You can tell me about it now!"

"That can wait," He said. "Let's celebrate!"

He carried me deeper into the house, past the table with the vase of flowers in it. He picked one out to give to me and confetti squirted all over us. He laughed some more.

"This just keeps getting better!" he said. "What else do have hidden around?"

I just smiled mysteriously. He carried me toward our bedroom.

I didn't hide anything in there.

The End


End file.
